Where I am now

It has been a while since I last wrote a blog post. I have just come out of my first long term relationship and it feels like a good time to put some words down and reflect on the last year. My now ex-partner opened my mind to so many things including travel around the world. The world is so large and full of so many people with incredibly beautiful lives. We know nothing until we open our eyes to the world and the people within it.

Since my last post I have changed a lot as a person spiritually and in many of my views. Being gay and a part of a very religious family has show me many things and although things have been better since I came out, there are still so many things that I struggle with. Moving myself away from the church has been a positive thing for me, I have learnt that to believe in God and to go to church can be done completely independent of one another. You do not have to go to church to believe in God, or to be a Christian. Although now I do not feel that I classify myself as a Christian; I have seen the way that “Christians” judge and treat those outside of their belief system and I no longer want to be categorized alongside them – although I still have a spirituality of my own.

A common thing I have come across in my extended family is the idea that someone ‘doesn’t judge me, but doesn’t accept that I am gay’. This is a very strong thing for someone to say to me. I believe that I was born gay and therefore had no choice in the matter, that God made me this way and therefore I had no choice, that God didn’t “change” me when I asked him to, so therefore I am what God wanted me to be. I am in his image and He knew who I was before I was born. God does not make mistakes. This is me and to not accept the struggles that I have been through, or to stop and consider what it would be like to be in my shoes – one cannot say that they do not judge me but they do not accept me. By not “accepting my lifestyle” they are judging who I am and who I have always been.

I believe that Christianity being taught today does not reflect God at all, it is full of judgement and closed-mindedness. The things being taught are not healthy and only create stresses and burdens on peoples lives. I believe in a God of love, true unconditional love – If I get to heaven and God does not let me in because I have loved other men then, that is not the heaven that I want to be in, that is not the God that I believe in. There is only one God and He is LOVE. 

I could talk for so long and maybe I should make some more posts, but I will finish with one more idea that I came across in University this year. Although I knew that I thought this, I could never describe it as well as a reading in my class once did. There is this idea of the ‘Christian veil’. Growing up in a Christian home and surrounded by a large Christian extended family I always have had a ‘Christian veil’ that has predetermined the ways I see and read things over the years. It was not until recently, in the last year or so, that I realized I had this ‘Christian veil’ over my eyes and I began to look at things without it. Every time someone told me something, or I read something, I would look at it through my ‘Christian veil’ and would already have predetermined biased views on the topic of discussion. For example, someone once told me about the Christian missionary work and how through history missionaries shared religion in such a negative way; missionaries would divide cultures, split lands, and disrupt peoples lives, they would give power to some people and those who did not abide by their beliefs would become poor and separated from the rest of the community. The religion was not offered to people as something to consider but instead became, for many, the only way to survive.

Back to my point, someone would tell me this (lets say two years ago) and I would say that maybe it was wrong information, or that it was not the missionaries fault, but the key thing is that I would defend whatever I heard if it was against Christianity because the church had a power over me that brainwashed me to be oblivious to a lot of truths. It was not until recently that I could see how removing this ‘Christian veil’ gave me such a better understanding of history and the world, it cleared my mind to the truth and to the real things that Christianity has caused throughout history – it is not always a saving grace, but instead has caused many terrible things. This does not mean that I do not believe in God, but it does make me question the missionaries, the institution of the church and the fact that those in power had a large impact on the Bible and the way that Christianity has changed over time to become something different from what Jesus or God wanted.

I hope that made sense, and I hope you are all well. As I said I have just been going through my first serious break up and things have been hard but there is always a positive future ahead and you get to make that future what you want it to be!

Life is a road full of turns and changes, it is important to stop and rest when you need but it is also important to always be open to the adventures available if you keep going.

Love is love ❤

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